...All I want in this life: Love GOD Love people. Make memories, Be here.Ask me anything
It started with a tick.
A ripple of sorts. A droplet of rain on an otherwise perfect day. A prickle of disdain, a tickle of sadness creeping up into my veins. This is what I know now of depression. This is what I know now of a crippled mental health state & how it’ll ruin your life if you let it.
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day & I thought & felt within me for months perhaps someone could benefit from my story. I mean aren’t we all on the internets searching for something that’ll change us. Whether it’s from a dull boring moment to a less dull boring moment, an awe inspiring moment from a lethargic moment, a life changing moment. Whatever moment it is, we get on the web & search for it or read countless articles on it. We crave it in many ways.
You see I’ve always known I was meant for this field. This field was meant for me: mental health. What I wasn’t aware of was how in my perfectly planned out little life what those two words would do within me, around me & through me. Isn’t it always true we may have many plans but God has one true plan?
The truth is I’ve always hated planning but my OCD for order usually helps to counteract my laziness. I also hate surprises but my desire of dreaming & living a life of spontaneity also counter balance each other. I’m a bunch of these contradictions. The most vivid of these that I live with & love through is the constant cheer mixed with my very present depression. How can someone who is so full of joy struggle with such a crippling depression?
I myself have struggled with an answer to that question for over four years now. I look back on that month of July in 2010 when I almost closed the curtain on my story. I didn’t want to play my part any longer, I thought for sure if I bowed out early no one would miss my role. Except the truth I had misplaced never truly went away from me. Depression has a funny way of making you feel small & insignificant. Mental illness in all of it’s many crazy twisted forms could never full blot out what I knew to be true.
I mattered then in 2010 when I took almost two full bottles of various medications. I matter now & for as long as I’m here fighting this battle. No one else can play this part. And if your mental illness has got you thinking in life there are under studies, just know right now. There. Are. No. Under. Studies. In. Life. You have this one life. It is yours, it can change things, most importantly it will change you, yourself.
For all the many reasons why I wanted to switch my role I stay. For all the many mistakes that got me to that point, I stay. For all the many millions of others in America alone that think suicide is the answer, I stay.
Today hug someone you love because they matter. Hug someone you don’t know because they matter. We all have a role designed perfectly just for us to play. No under study, no stunt double, just you. The way you are & the way you’ll be.
"You are not a human being. You are a human becoming."
Love. Live. Life.
Truer words ever written. No.